I want to help mentor young transpeople. My only qualifications are that I’m 1) trans and 2) have gone through a majority of my transition, which I guess means that I “know some stuff.” Obviously I don’t have all the answers but I can help point someone in the right direction, share resources, share my experience. I’ve had a few mentors in my lifetime and they were usually older men. I don’t feel like I’m very wise or old enough. I agreed to mentor a younger relative and I don’t entirely know what the hell I’m supposed to do.

I don’t feel very qualified. I still have a hard time correcting people I knew before transitioning when they use the wrong pronouns. My heart still plummets when I don’t look exactly like that fantasy image of myself. I still fuck up and use the wrong name or pronouns for not only my friends but for myself. Despite doing research and finding out that no, my insurance does not cover hormones, I still feel anxious that I’ve missed something and I’m going about it all wrong. Sometimes it feels like I’ve done it all wrong – the legal name change process, starting hormones, earning money for surgery, etc.

The thing is though that there’s not really a right or wrong way to do any of those things. There’s sometimes easier ways or, depending on your insurance, cheaper or more expensive ways. Sometimes it depends on your state. Plus, not every trans person has the same transition goals!

Part of the problem is that transitioning isn’t a single, simple process. You can’t just call up your family doctor, explain that you’re trans, sign a form, and then boom, you’ve transitioned. Can you imagine if that was the entire approach?

Maybe that’s why those unfamiliar with transitioning and the myriad of ways you can achieve your goals call it a “journey.” It sure feels like one. But I would say it’s synonymous with any life journey. I’m not any more special or brave because I’m trans though I appreciate the compliment. I decided I wanted to live and to do that, I needed to take the next step in my life. As I recently said in a wonderful interview with a good friend of mine, it was more like growing up. Or leaving a toxic job. Or seeking out a therapist. Or moving to a new city.

The real trouble in undergoing transition isn’t just the “journey.” While I compare it to moving away or securing a new job, transitioning and, in fact, existing as a transperson is unique with the sheer amount of obstacles. Every life changing moment is chock full of obstacles – people telling you to give up, people getting jealous and wanting to tear you down, whatever it may be. But I can’t deny that there’s something exclusively isolating about being a transperson. Graduating college and starting my first adult job was nothing compared to struggling through the doubts, the pressure, dealing with health insurance, coming out to my family, dealing with the scrutiny from others. Transitioning has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through. But it was definitely worth it.

I guess the real reason I don’t feel qualified to mentor any transperson is that even though I want to encourage and support them by remaining positive, I can’t lie to them either. Even though transitioning was worth it, I want them to know that there’s a cost.

You might stop trusting people – you’ll keep new co-workers at a distance until you’re pretty certain they didn’t vote for Trump, you’ll avoid making eye contact with strangers, you’ll find yourself downloading Tinder and then immediately deleting it.

You might have to put everything else you care about on hold while you save money for hormones, for surgeries, for your legal name change.

You might miss out on certain experiences and events because you aren’t sure how that environment will handle someone like you (i.e. spas, pool parties, gyms, etc.)

You might transition and your dysphoria won’t be as present in your mind at all times and then some tipsy friend will ask about your genitals and it’ll all come roaring back.

You might want to open yourself up to questions and being vulnerable with strangers and then immediately regret it because of the pressure. But by then, you’ll feel like it’s too late (practice setting boundaries, friends!)

You might start relying on only yourself and shut out everyone else even when you know it’s okay to ask for help.

You might find it easy to stop going to family events at first because maybe they were toxic but now you wonder if you’re the toxic one (it’s okay to seek distance from toxic family!)

You might start a blog specifically to share personal experiences that may or may not be related to transitioning because being trans isn’t your only personality trait and then exclusively post trans related content.

Is there a right or wrong way to mentor? Maybe not. Maybe being a mentor isn’t just about being a cheerleader or a source of comfort. Maybe the reason most mentors are older is because they now it’s important to be real about the struggles, the obstacles, the discrimination, the pain, the heartbreak, the sacrifices. But they also know they gotta be real about the hope, the happiness, the wonderful people you’ll meet and love along the way. Maybe none of us are really qualified so much as just wanting to do our part to make sure that the people that helped us at our lowest are honored when we grow and move on to help others. And that’s all we can really hope for, isn’t it?