I’ve been having a lot of feelings lately about regarding myself as a “man” or a “trans man.” It’d be easy to just say, why not both? Or, why do you have to pick? You’re right! Why should I pick? Well, considering you have to select a gender on pretty much every form you come across even when gender has nothing to do with it, yeah, sometimes I do have to pick.

I’ve noticed a growing number of forms have more options other than “male” and “female.” When “trans man” is available I would select it without thinking. But lately I’ve asked myself, why do you feel the need to identify that way?

If it’s a form or survey used for research or for data that could positively impact the trans community,  I could see why this information would be important. I guess I’m thinking, well if identifying myself as trans somehow impacts the data in any way, then it’s okay, I don’t mind. But…I think I do mind. Which is weird for me to admit. I’m not ashamed to be trans, I’m proud. It’s who I am.

But I’m also just a man. You know?

Labels have come up a lot in discussions I’ve seen online or when talking about sexuality and gender with friends. I often support using labels because they help me but I can understand why they might hinder someone else. Labels can be binding, restrictive. I felt the opposite. It was nice knowing where I was in terms of my identity. And technically, based on years of research and digging deep into my heart and soul, I knew I was a man – which meant I was a trans man. I wasn’t assigned male at birth.

Years later and sometimes I still feel like I’m facing the same identity crises I’ve been facing and I’m still asking the same question: am I man? It’s like, when I’m being faced with the option “man” or “trans man,” me choosing “trans man” makes me no longer a man. I’m still “other.” I know this to not be true but that’s what I constantly wonder when people learn that I’m trans. Do they now question every interaction and prior knowledge they had of me? Will they now stack me up against every masculine stereotype and when I fail one think, ah right, he’s not a real man.

Before I came out as trans, when I was a baby queer in college, I used to tell people who’d ask about my sexuality that I was “queer.” They would nod, maybe understanding, maybe not. And I would follow it up with, “I’m queer about it all.” This didn’t seem to help. In truth, I was struggling for understanding too. I just knew I wasn’t one thing or another. I wasn’t even sure what it really meant to be a woman or a man, gay, straight, or bi. What does “masculine” or “feminine” even mean and why do we have these delineations in the first place?

Maybe that’s why it’s hard for me to answer anonymous pleas for help on trans subreddits. There are daily posts from people wanting strangers to tell them if they’re really trans or not. At one time, I was one of those internet strangers desperate for answers. I don’t have it all figured out so how could I possibly tell someone I don’t know that yes, you’re definitely trans? I feel as unqualified as the day I sat in a meeting where I didn’t speak up once, not even to introduce myself.

I recently had a discussion with a friend that labels don’t have to be as restrictive as we’re led to believe. They can shift, bend, change over a long or short amount of time. That can be a little scary or unwieldy but, for me, it’s a little comforting to know I don’t have to be boxed in.

I have the privilege to choose in a way even though transmen are men. When out in public, people assume I’m a man when they look at me. Sometimes I feel guilty. I should be a good member of the QT community and identify myself as trans to make sure the statistics continue to show how our numbers are growing.

So am I “man” or a “trans man?” I guess it depends.

Anyway, I wrote a poem about it:

Am I a man first

Or am I trans first?

The problem isn’t that I’m ashamed

Or plagued by guilt

I’m proud of my identity

But did you know

I didn’t choose it?

Did you know sometimes

I feel guilty for not

Bringing my identity up

As though being stealth

Is deceitful even though

That word implies purpose.

When you look at me

Can you determine

Who I am

Or see the scars

Under my button up?

How can you assume

Or identify as anything

When we’re all stuck

With what we’re given?

When you look at me

What do you see?

A man first

Or a trans man?

*Red Lobster does not ask for your gender when you sign up for their rewards program.