On January 22, the District Court of Travis County, Texas ordered that my gender and sex identifier be changed from female to male.

I received the notification yesterday, the subject of the email in all caps that I read quickly before locking my phone. I knew what the email meant but a part of me was terrified that when I opened it, it would turn out to be a false alarm like one of those, “We got your application!” emails days after applying for a job. Or worse, that my petition had been rejected. Later, I opened the email, and there it was—a simple, badly formatted PDF equivalent to the forms I used to make in Adobe Acrobat for a higher ed job.

My name was legally changed in 2017, but I hadn’t petitioned to change my gender marker then like most folks do today. At the time, I was explicitly advised to do the two changes separately. My source told me filing for a gender marker change was more difficult and I’d likely need a lawyer.

After several weeks prepping the order, I stood in front of the Denton County judge (another mistake—it’s much better to go through Travis County), and responded “No, your honor,” to questions like, “Are you changing your name to evade the law?” at family court. She stamped and signed my order but at the top of the form, she’d written: “Do NOT change gender marker,” as if I was trying to deceive the court, slide right past like the little liar I was for pretending to be a man.

Seven years later and the court recognizes me for the man I am.

Do you know what type of information you have to attach to the petition to prove your gender?

Along with the various forms filled out with your information, you also must include a letter from a medical provider verifying that yes, you have had “appropriate clinical treatment” for transitioning, and a fingerprint card.

What kind of proof is that really? And what exactly does it prove? Why does taking hormones or undergoing top surgery or any other medical care have to be the proof that I am who I say I am? I didn’t actively prove anything when I was born, and I didn’t have to offer proof to be given the name I was given.

I’m trying to hold on to the lightness I felt reading that PDF. It was a relief that this silly bureaucratic task was finally over. How remarkable that I can operate in this world just as I am without worrying about explaining away an “F” on my driver’s license. It’s an incredible milestone! January 22 will be the next date I add to my list of important dates in my life, like February 18, which was when I wore my first binder and September 19, which was when I first injected testosterone into my body.

But of course the milestone was bittersweet. Of course distressing thoughts consumed me like how ridiculous it is that trans people must encounter so many roadblocks to just live. Of course my next thought after reading that PDF was: how long will this last? How long until Texas passes legislation to reverse these kinds of orders? How long until silly bureaucratic processes like this are replaced with trials and convictions and appeals?

This blog was meant to be a place where I could educate and tell my story while providing support and hope and love. Today, it’s a space where I fillet my fears and pray that will move you to action as governments try to eradicate us. It’s Texas’ legislative off-season, but we need to prepare, witness what’s happening in other states, and do what we can to support our queer and trans siblings.

Trans folks, I don’t want to scare you, but file those petitions, make those appointments, and schedule those surgeries before it’s too late. In fact, while you’re at it, prepare your will. That’s going to be my next step.

But I can’t stress this enough as much to you as to myself:

They can make transitioning inaccessible, they can punish us with fines and prison sentences, they can dehumanize us in court, and they can pass legislation that claims to protect children. But they have never and will never eradicate us. Trans people have always existed. We exist today just as we existed at the dawn of humanity. And we will exist until the end of time.